One of the most profound articles I have come across over the last 25 years (which has stayed with me everyday since reported by the Guardian on February 2012) is entitled: “Top five regrets of the dying.” Now I know this topic may be somewhat of a downer, but it can also be an incredible source of inspiration depending on how you deal with its sobering reality and applying lessons toward making important life changes. I share the lessons of this article with you, alongside 5 Wisdoms which are based on the SELF-CARE components so that it is balanced with some positive takeaways as well.
This may be perhaps the most important article you will ever read, so forgive the length and consider the ideas carefully.
Here is the list as originally reported in the Guardian article:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Let’s consider each of these topics as both reported and add a SELF-CARE point of view for perspective towards effort.
I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Here, there are a few things worth recognizing. First of all, it is the most common regret among the 5 listed. Secondly and worthy of note is that it refers to dreams one has, and not necessarily accomplishments. One would think that life comes down to accomplishments, which may be true for some, but aren’t all accomplishments not dreams to begin with? Third, it is really about what a person desired for themselves which haunts them, not what others desired for them that brings about this regret. Dreams are symbolic and give us indications of our deepest motivations. Knowing ourselves is key to fulfillment.
To explore these points, I invested time to contemplate personal motivations and fulfillment. On one particular summer day, I decided to ask myself what I would have if there were absolutely no limitations. This list is likely to agree with you also:
- Extraordinary Health: The ability to feel great, be free of injuries and any pain or limitations while feeling energetic
- Peace of Mind: freedom from negative emotions and the manipulation from people or situations outside my control
- Financial Independence: The ability to live without having to think about scarcity for money or loss of opportunity
- Doing What I love: Using my skills and talents toward a career or work that does not feel like a nuisance or burden
- Positive Relationships: Enjoy relationships where I can be myself and enjoy being with others while free of tension
The interesting realization from outlining these attributes is that none of these require anything new to be added to my life or yours. It’s a matter of personal choices and exercising discretion. Why don’t we have these qualities in our life already? Fear and poor choices. Courage to live a life true to yourself is to mindfully observe this personal list of objectives and filter out behaviors that don’t support the outcomes and experiences that we value. Being aware in the first place is key to success.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
If there were a theme that divided the genders more than anything in particular, it would be this regret. Supposedly, every male patient suffered this regret and so we should think about its significance not only as males, but also for those females that increasingly adopt a workaholic lifestyle. To believe you are your title, position or how you are recognized as a professional does not fully encompass who you are, nor define you because this is how others see you. Your lifestyle defines you. When I think about this particular regret, it would seem that doing what you love actually kills 2 birds with one stone:
1. Doing what you love hardly feels like work, and,
2. When you are in love with your work, the satisfaction and power of this love carries over into other significant areas
For the sake of argument, consider how doing what you love and feeling good about effort would influence the nature of your personal relationships and satisfactions in life. Would you then still regret working too hard? Working too hard isn’t about putting forth too much effort, but rather prioritizing a job or a means of income ahead of anything else such as health, family, relationships and other value worth having. If instead, a person loved what they did and could put forth effort towards all values, it would hardly feel like work. Working hard in this sense is not isolated to a career or personal status.
Why don’t people automatically do what they love in life and follow this path? Several reasons come to mind. People often ignore feedback on their unique gifts. The advantages given to them in the form of talents stay dormant because the individual does not acknowledge or further cultivate these capabilities. Valuing ones abilities and refining them to a level of making a living requires dedication and persistent effort. Without discipline and belief in ones abilities as a means to provide for a living often shutter these talents. Instead, most people opt in favor of the safe options where risk is reduced.
Speaking from experience, working too hard can be a form of escapism. It takes effort to identify and live a life that is consistent with who you are as a person, your talents and abilities and this requires accepting the possibility of failure to succeed. Once overcome, work becomes a source of satisfaction in life and enriches every other area that gives life meaning.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
This one has to do with regrets and carrying them forward throughout life until the very end. It seems from this admission that holding feelings back is not limited to negative feelings, but also for positive sentiments left unsaid. It takes courage to express your feelings because of the emotional risks involved. Most of the time, people hold back because of fear of rejection, but these sentiments may also be held back for its positive implications; meaning you actually can get what you want but don’t feel worthy of it. What is it exactly that causes us to hold back and keep from expressing how we feel? Fear of success?
Perhaps it would be impolite from a social etiquette point of view, as in, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” No offense to anyone from certain religious persuasions, but is this aphorism actually part of holy scriptures, or is it a common idea that has been advanced as religious ideal? from a SELF-CARE standpoint, it takes courage to actually express yourself in terms of how you relate to others. Perhaps if you expressed your feelings and found out that they are not mutual, you would know that it is time to move on and you would not later face the regret of leaving things unsaid. Perhaps its also possible that you would understand yourself in a better way once feedback comes to you which better prepares you to eventually receive the object of your desires by ruling out situations that will not work. Either way, it’s immensely important to be aware of your feelings in the first place and secondly, to put some effort towards expressing them. Speak your mind.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
In the original article, the point was that it was hard to connect with old friends and track them down in the last moments when it mattered most. Some friendships are not given the time and effort required to keep them going and so friends may not therefore be around as a source of comfort in the last moments. This is a tricky point for several reasons. Why weren’t the relationships mentioned in the article maintained in the first place? Was it due to the possibility that a person lost track of themselves in the course of life or lost due to changes over time? Maybe its because there were differences of opinions.
If the first case, it would be important to realize that it takes effort to find things in common with people that we grow up with and find ourselves growing apart from as a result of changes that happen with experience. In the second case, circumstantial differences such as unresolved conflicts or grudges, moving or getting immersed into a job or ones personal family are typical, but this does not change the fact that we miss people who appreciate our original personality and nature.
The important things to consider are the fact that our dearest friendships are those where people give us the freedom to be ourselves, and show us the attention and affection that makes friendships rewarding. Despite moves, work, travel, hectic job and growing a family, with effort, it is entirely possible to keep in touch with friends. Social media, mobile technology and email make it possible to stay connected, but more importantly, it is up to us to actively find things in common with those whom we care about to keep the connection intact. It takes effort and a willingness to be a good friend to deserve one.
Opinions are not an excuse to abandon friendships. We all grow and mature in time. Friends enrich our lives like wealth.
I wish that I had let myself be happier
According to the original post, happiness is a choice. It may be a choice, but my question is, if happiness is not genuine, is it sustainable? Furthermore, people supposedly lied to themselves and others in thinking that contentment was the same as happiness. Recognizing that happiness is a choice means that we don’t allow ourselves to be happy. Why? Is it self-worth?
The first regret regret on the list, lacking the courage to live a life authentically, seems to also be related to the choice of whether or not to be happy. Perhaps we don’t have a perfect day, or perfect results from our efforts. If we do our best, at the very least we find peace of mind and over time, make further progress towards becoming excellent at what we do. Happiness as a result could be externally driven where recognition and competitive success recognize and reward it, or it can be self-defined and decided upon according to your own criteria. I would argue in favor of the latter because the happiest people I have personally met knew how to enjoy themselves and made the choice to do so. Leaders compete against self limitations.
The 5 Wisdom Based Practices
If we take the account of the 5 Regrets of the Dying, they fit perfectly with the ideas of SELF-CARE. The outward expression of the SELF-CARE handles the 5 forms of regret in the following ways:
1. Courage: Applying courage means being authentic to ourselves and others so we do not live a false life. Successful people learn to accept failure, rejection, loss and other perceived setbacks and push on. Courage builds tolerance and character.
2. Appreciation: Appreciation means you raise the value of yourself and those around you, including things such as property entrusted to you and most of all, appreciating the use of your time and using it towards what matters to you.
3. Respect: You must respect your needs and the needs of others because this is fundamental to healthy relationships
4. Effort: Instead of living a passive life that belongs to someone else, make the effort to observe the 5 Regrets of the dying everyday and choose instead to be alive and enjoy life by making the effort to address the values in life important to you
Practicing CARE enables on to realize the ultimate objective of:
5. Achieving Peace of Mind: Living a life based on a philosophy of doing your best and living without regrets daily
In using the renewal journal on a daily basis, you can identify new learnings, gratitude for the good things in life along with the source of these forms of Grace. This higher vibrational state of mind will seek out and appreciate the experiences that make life fulfilling as a habit. In my personal case, family, faith, fitness and friends made my daily experience rewarding when nothing else seemed to work. This was during a challenging period of transition. By taking account of the positive experiences daily, I was able to change. It was not until I changed through the endurance of tough times that I progressed.
Being mindful of the 5 regrets of the dying and the wisdom associated with handling the regrets that accumulate from neglect in life should awaken us to the humbling realization that we are all susceptible to these very same disappointments. I spent 3 weeks with my father before he passed away in 2004. I saw first hand the truth of the original Guardian article. To say that this influenced my personal outlook on life is an understatement. This is not to say that I have not made mistakes. Making decisions based on my best intentions, discretion and with a value for relationships has brought me peace of mind.